Waiting...

I love art. I love to paint, draw, craft, putter and play.  But...I am having a very hard time getting going again after the death of my father, this past Fall.  I have gone out and photographed St. Paul- all the places important to Dad and to me. I have an idea for a collage but I cannot get it out.  I freeze up and can't cut the photos. So I move on, try to do another collage of the St. Croix...another of the Summer...I just cannot get it going. After being unable to push myself- I decide to sketch again, you know-start warming up in my sketchbook...AGHHHHHH!!!! I cannot think of what to draw- and things in front of me do not appeal.  So I try favorite doodles- trees, eyes, flowers...I am struggling to get those out.  What to do????

I am unsure as to where my block is coming from. I assume ( yes, I know- an "ass out of u and me" haha) it has to do with the death of my father (???)and the stress of everyday life- But...(but but but)...I have never been stuck like this- I can usually start by going around the problem- I can't paint- I sketch, I can't sketch I doodle, I can't doodle- I search online/read magazines/go to a museum for inspiration or maybe try making jewelry - just to get my hands moving...but the ACTION of creativity is being elusive for me- and I do NOT like it. I do not like it Sam I am. I wish I had a way to go away from all the everyday stuff (without the guilt of course) and just... BE. Just have a little retreat away from bills, errands, work, cooking, etc.  and let my mind go blank. But being a Wife, Mom and employee keeps me strapped into reality (even when I slack and the hubby picks up the loose ends). 

Now, I can come up with THOUSANDS of ideas...I am just having problems getting them from my brain into reality- on canvas, on paper, into collage. My brain cannot make my body execute my ideas. Nothing clicks.  I do have to say- it kind of scares me.  Part of who I am is being an artist.  Who am I if I cannot create? I have a need to express and manipulate. It is a very therapeutic method of stress relief...so I am feeling very unrelieved! and yeah, kinda stressed! lol! (Although- blogging seems to help get it off my chest:)

I do have a wonderful book- of which I plan on consulting tonight- called "The Artists Way". It has proved to be helpful on other occasions when I cannot seem to get into the flow and joy of creating. There are exercises  and tasks..so I hope I have luck with that. 

So- here is to a good nights read, a good nights sleep and a for hopeful and creative tomorrow. I'm waiting...

-Michelle